I changed my name

11 Feb I changed my name

On a rather ordinary day, in the middle of my ordinary life, God spoke a word to me. Dramatic? Maybe, but real…definitely. I had just struggled through a brutal workout and was headed to check my mailbox before starting my day. 

I was expecting a package but when I didn’t see it I grabbed the plain white envelope lying in the mailbox without even glancing inside it. I slowly climbed the stairs as I was already beginning to feel the side effects of my earlier workout. When I reached my apartment door, I pulled out my keys and suddenly realized what I had been holding in my hand.

Rushing inside I tossed my keys into the dish and carefully opened the letter to find an updated Social Security card. There it was in bold, black letters, my name. No, this wasn’t my first card and no, I didn’t necessarily have an urgency to use it, but what it represented meant more than I realized. I got my name back. I was feeling an unexpected wave of emotions…joy, excitement, and with most things over the last year or so, a hint of sadness. I’ll explain. 

I have been in and out of emotions ranging from rage to depression. The break up of my marriage and the therapeutic journey to healing has taken as much as it has given. I had been doing the work, the real self-care. I was bringing myself to the mat time and time again as I dealt with the reality of my trauma, loved myself through heartbreak, and made peace with the choices made by others regardless of how deeply they wounded me. I had been working to own my part, deal with my actions and reactions, all while figuring out who I am and what I truly want for my life. 

The hardest part has been learning how to forgive myself. My insecurities had played such a major role in my decision making and the more I healed, the more sympathy I felt for the girl I was before. I had let years of rejection, and plain human brokenness impact what I believed about myself and what I deserved. 

As I looked down at my new Social Security card and marveled at my maiden name I realized the name meant even more to me now. If you know anything about me, it’s no secret that I adore my family. In this last season, the way they have protected and stood beside me…thank you is all I can muster but there will never be enough thank yous. More than that, this time of healing, of removing layer upon layer of deception and hurt, has gotten me back to the person God first said that I was.

I had always felt like a good woman but I didn’t know when I stopped feeling worthy. I had always been a smart woman but I didn’t know when I stopped trusting myself. After years of pretending to be ok, years of pretending not to feel that constant sting of rejection, and years of listening to the choir of naysayers questioning my abilities I had learned to shut out the noise. The craziness of this season caused me to anchor myself to God in a way I had never imagined. I was forced to sit in my discomfort and in doing so, I was able to see the truth. 

The truth is I am chosen. God has a specific purpose and thoughtful plan for my life. I don’t care about the details of how it works out I just know, deeply, that it will be for my good. I am exactly where I am meant to be and moreover I deserve this. I deserve this peace. I deserve this happiness.

The truth is I am called. I have been running from my name, the name God had given me before birth. I’m called to share the truth of my experience with God. I’m called to make other people laugh. I’m called to love people. I’m called to be a friend. I’m called to share stories, regardless of who likes the posts. I am IN purpose, I am ON purpose and I am doing what God has called me to do.

The truth is I am beautiful. While we all have flaws I don’t need that disclaimer. I am a beautiful woman inside and out. I am filled with passion, purpose, and promise, and providence. I am a gift. I am beautiful and I get to feel that for myself. It’s mine to have and my truth to believe.

I got my name back. I got my God-given identity back. When it’s God that validates you, nothing can stop you. When it’s God that puts claim to you, nothing can destroy you. I am His, and He is mine. One day when I change my last name for good, I know that the choice will come from a place of wholeness, an expansion of my life as opposed to the beginning of it. 

Today I live with a boldness that would have terrified me a year ago. I live with a conviction that I had buried. God has called me back to life, back to purpose, back to Him. Who would you be if you lived in the truth of God says you are?