A New Era

14 Mar A New Era

Christmas was around the corner and I was working really hard to remain in the holiday spirit. I had been doing my best to move with love and intention but as I continued to be met with disappointment I was slowly finding my way back into that place of numbness. Oh yes, that old familiar coping mechanism was rearing its ugly head! I was starting to just go through the motions rather than sit in the here and now. Things felt off, different, and the truth was that they were. I was so grateful to God for the place He brought me from, but I was growing increasingly dissatisfied with the place I had been brought to.

I was hungry for “better.” Better days, a better job, I even wanted a better home. It wasn’t that I did not appreciate what I had, I just wanted better. I wanted something different. I wanted something new. I was ready for more. I could almost see the feelings of frustration rising in me, but frustration felt like a betrayal to God. I didn’t want God to believe I wasn’t grateful. So I would sink back into that numbness in order to feel nothing. With God I had conquered the depression, I had moved past so much pain. But what I met on the other side still didn’t feel quite like victory. I didn’t feel connected to my own life. I was trying to go back to a place in time before all of the heartbreak and renewal, but I realized I couldn’t get myself to feel at home there. As it turned out, things weren’t different, but I was.

The Inspiration

My life was a good life. There was no denying that, but I had outgrown it. Over the last couple of years I had been developing and flourishing in skills built for survival. Now, those skills didn’t serve me the same way they had before. I didn’t want to be numb. I didn’t need to survive something. I was ready to thrive. 

For months God had been pouring so much into me, and allowing me to use the hurtful parts of my past to pour into others. What a gift! In those moments I felt so connected to God, so fulfilled. I was posting vlogs on YouTube and regardless if they received 10 views or 10,000 views I felt like I was walking in purpose. That’s what made it so hard to go back to life as it was. I had woken up. I needed to not only share my story, but also move on to the next chapter. I was ready. I now knew without a doubt how I was meant to serve. Iwas becoming clearer on how to build community. Each day I grew further in that awareness the more frustrated I became. I needed a change. I looked back on the direction that God had given me and decided to dedicate the next 90 days to changing my mindset and hopefully my life.

The 90 Day Challenge

My plan was to give God the first quarter of the new year. I spent 90 days of focused and intentional time with God. I spent 90 days getting really clear with myself on the word I received from God and where I needed to align my will to His. I spent 90 days away from dating apps and flirtatious DMs (mind ya business) to focus on giving myself the love I believed I was ready for in a partner. For 90 days I prayed, I set my intentions, and I began to re-align my focus. What initially felt like a sacrifice became one of the biggest gifts I could have ever given myself. 

The 90 Day Affect

During that 90 days I did big things like visit doctors and address issues I was brushing under the rug. I also did small, yet equally important things like create morning routines and join a gym. I poured into myself without reservation. I gave real contemplation to past choices. I loved myself with the lavishness I had always reserved for others. I pushed myself to dream in ways I hadn’t dared to, and I began opening myself up to the possibility of what life would be if I simply submitted all of it to God.

In the quiet I realized that every part of my life was a miracle. I didn’t need new signs and wonders to step into the very things He called into existence for me. Chances are, you would discover the same. You already have everything you need to get to the next place. So if you feel yourself growing frustrated or restless it’s a clear sign that your spirit is ready to use what He placed in you, but you have to focus. 

Can you dedicate your life to being uncomfortable for a little while? Can you dedicate a week, a month, or even a year to your own self-development? Think of the freedom you would gain by simply allowing yourself to become who you dream about being rather than wasting the energy to fight against who you are right now. Think of the power God could send out into the world through you, through the example of your life, by simply allowing yourself to become who He says you are.

In 90 days I gained a confidence in myself that I didn’t expect but sorely needed. A confidence not connected to achievement or accolades or even relationships. I gained further awareness of my goodness, further awareness of my power, further awareness of my worthiness and further awareness of what I had to offer the world. I have so much to give and I am just tapping in. It set me on fire to serve God, to serve the kingdom. I started by releasing a series sharing my divorce story at the top of the year and I have been working with that fire every day since. 

After the 90 Days

This life is as big and as grand as you make it. Play small and you live small, trust God and there is nothing unavailable to you. I gave God 90 days of focused attention and He shifted my entire paradigm. I left that 90 days challenge armed with the truth. It doesn’t totally negate fear, or imposter syndrome, or all of the things we have to contend with, but the noise is a whisper now and when I’m locked in it’s a memory. 

I left that 90 days and walked into a new season, a new era. An era in which I have to believe bigger, I expect more, and I embrace my limitlessness.