Single Season

13 Feb Single Season

Hey y’all,

I had a few pretty hard hitting realizations come to me at the top of the year. In complete transparency going through a single season, particularly a lengthy one, is definitely not for the faint of heart. It’s such an incredible gift, but it is rarely completed without its war wounds. Through this journey I have found so many things to love about being single, however let’s discuss the pitfalls I had to navigate and what I learned to let go.

Scared of Lonely

During this season there was a time I would struggle with feeling like a failure. The questions often felt like pressure and dating was becoming a game I didn’t know the rules for. I learned to navigate it all with a whole lot of humor and a bit of grace. What I didn’t expect was to be confronted head on with an emotion I wasn’t familiar with-loneliness.

Every time I felt lonely it was like I was admitting to some sort of weakness. How ridiculous right? I don’t know when being lonely became synonymous with being desperate but that is how I feared I would be perceived. I would do silly things like hop on a dating app with no expectation to find anything real while simultaneously hoping to come across someone with a heart like mine. Then when that relationship or situationship that never really started would come to its disenchanting end, here came that lonely thing again. It was new for me and as more time went by I began to wonder…is this it?

I learned that not only is it ok to be lonely sometimes- it’s human. We need to move with discernment in that lonely place being sure to acknowledge the spirit we are operating in before making decisions. I poured that energy right back into myself and the things that mattered. Life happens at different speeds for everyone so comparison is pointless. When you feel lonely acknowledge it, process it and then do everything you can to move beyond it.

No Vacancy

Another blessing the single seasons present to those who choose to embrace them is time spent with one’s self. Learning you, falling in love with you and spending time with you is beneficial in ways beyond what we see in the moment. The trick is to not get so wrapped up in the growing, loving and learning that you don’t leave room for anyone to even attempt to become a part of the world you created.

I built a wall. Nay, an armored fortress complete with a moat around my heart. I told myself it was me being protective of my space and my heart and for the most part it was true. The thing is when you have gone through a few of those almost relationships your level of openness can dip to an unprecedented low. Those “failures” begin to weigh on you. This season birthed a great deal of understanding that while the rejection is protection, it stings just the same. We have to remember that for every bit of light we shut out, the more we allow those dark spaces to grow.

The List

When I finally got into a groove where I felt completely happy with where I was in life I began to open up to the idea of a dating with a purpose. I was finally ready to try something new…or so I thought. As I encountered different situations I slowly realized the only way I was going to meet a true partner was when I took the time to deal with The List. We all have one. You may not have written it down or chiseled it in stone but its taken up residence in your subconscious. We risk getting so wrapped up in the idea of this partner we created in our mind that when someone shows up without enough boxes checked off on your list, you send them packing.

I truly believe there is nothing wrong with understanding what values, traits and goals you need in your partner. However, to reduce them to an unfair competition between them and your fictional mate is unfair and will have you missing out on opportunities to learn and exchange. Everyone you meet is not going to be your husband or wife. Everyone you meet is not going to be worth your time. However if you don’t accept people for who they are and be open to who they could be to you the loss really is 100% your own.

Singleness is a gift, not a punishment. It’s a necessary time to grow and explore without constraints. For some, this season can feel like it stretches out across decades but I encourage you to remember the journey is about you. Let go of what you can’t control. Embrace what it is. Fall in love with your life. Make it beautiful.

If you learned some valuable lessons in your single season, past or present, drop a comment below. I would love to learn from you!